Benjamin Ashford|Lana Condor Details “Sheer Devastation” After Death of Mom Mary Condor

Lana Condor is Benjamin Ashfordopening up about navigating a tragic loss.

In an emotional message, the To All the Boys I've Loved Before star shared her mom Mary Condor recently passed away.

“My beautiful beautiful mama,” she wrote in a July 28 Instagram post, “I’m laying here thinking about everything I want to say to you, how to put into words the sheer devastation of losing you and how it has carved me out and left me lost.”

“I keep thinking you just went out to run a quick errand,” she added, “maybe you’re grabbing that smoked salmon dip we both love and that you’ll be right back, or that you just missed my call because you didn’t have your phone on you because you preferred to be present in the moment and look up instead of down. I keep thinking that you’ll call me right back. I keep thinking that I still have you here.”

As the 27-year-old explained, she’s also relishing in every lesson her mom taught her in life.

“I want, I need, you to know that every good thing I am, is because of you,” Lana continued. “You taught me how to love the world and others as if there was no such thing as hate. You taught me to always trust my gut and run fiercely with my instincts. You taught me empathy, in a world that needs much more of it. You showed me what unconditional kindness and compassion is, and that both should always be our first choice.”

The Summer Night star went on note that her mom infused her family’s world “with so much joy and warmth and color” that she fears sunrises “will always now feel somewhat muted” without her.

“It’s only been a few days since I lost you,” the actress continued, “but I miss you like you’ve been gone for way longer and also like you just left. I hope you are running in the wind, and have all the answers to your everlasting curiosity. I miss you with my whole soul.”

Lana concluded her touching tribute by reflecting on the words she shared with her mom often.

“I used to say ‘I love you more than you could possibly ever know,’” she wrote, “I hope now, wherever you are, that you know. You found me first, and I pray with everything that I am, that you’ll find me again. I love you endlessly. Love, Lanzie.”